The essay, Official Report of Professor John Phoenix, was first printed in the Pioneer, March, 1855.  It is a spoof of the reports done by Topographical Engineers.

Official Report of Professor John Phoenix

Of a Military Survey & Reconnoisance of the route from San Francisco
to the Mission of Dolores, made with a view to ascertain the practicability
of connecting these points by a Railroad.*

*The Mission Dolores is only 2 1/2 miles from the City Hall of San Francisco
 

Mission of Dolores, February 15, 1855. It having been definitely determined that the great Railroad, connecting the City of San Francisco with the head of navigation on Mission Creek, should be constructed without unnecessary delay, a large appropriation ($120,000) was granted, for the purpose of causing thorough military examinations to be made of the proposed routes. The routes which had principally attracted the attention of the public were "the Northern," following, the line of Brannan Street, "the Central," through Folsom Street, and "the extreme Southern," passing over the "Old Plank Road" to the Mission. Each of these proposed routes has many enthusiastic advocates; but "the Central" was, undoubtedly, the favorite of the public, it being more extensively used by emigrants from San Francisco to the Mission and therefore more widely and favorably known than the others. It was to the examination of this route that the Committee, feeling a confidence (eminently justified by the result of my labors) in my experience, judgment and skill as a Military Engineer, appointed me on the first instant. Having notified that honorable body of my acceptance of the important trust confided in me, in a letter, wherein I also took occasion to congratulate them on the good judgment they had evinced, I drew from the Treasurer the amount ($40,000) appropriated for my peculiar route, and having invested it securely in loans at three per cent a month (made to avoid accident in my own name), I proceeded to organize my party for the expedition.

In a few days my arrangements were completed, and my scientific corps organized, as follows:
 

These gentlemen, with one hundred and eighty-four laborers employed as teamsters, chainmen, rodmen, etc., made up the party. For instruments we had 1 large Transit Instrument (8 inch acromatic lens), 1 Mural Circle, 1 Altitude and Azimuth Instrument (these instruments were permanently set up in a mule cart which was backed into the plane of the true meridian when required for use), 13 large Theodolites, 13 small ditto, 8 Transit Compasses, 17 sextants, 34 Artificial Horizons, 1 Sidereal Clock, and 184 Solar Compasses. Each employee was furnished with a gold chronometer watch, and, by a singular mistake, a diamond pin and gold chain; for directions having been given that they should be furnished with "chains and pins," - meaning of course such articles as are used in surveying -Lieut. Root, whose "'zeal somewhat overran his discretion , incontinently procured for each man the above-named articles of jewelry, by mistake. They were purchased at Tucker's (where, it is needless to remark, "you can buy a diamond pin or ring"), and afterwards proved extremely useful in our intercourse with the natives of the Mission of Dolores, and indeed along the route.

Every man was suitably armed with four of Colt's revolvers, a Minie rifle, a copy of Col. Benton's speech on the Pacific Railroad, and a mountain howitzer. These last-named heavy articles required each man to be furnished with a wheelbarrow for their transportation, which was accordingly done; and these vehicles proved of great service on the survey, in transporting not only the arms but the baggage of the party, as well as the plunder derived from the natives. A squadron of dragoons, numbering 150 men, under Capt. McSpadden, had been detailed as an escort. They accordingly left about a week before us, and we heard of them occasionally on the march.

On consulting with my assistants, I had determined to select as a base for our operations a line joining the summit of Telegraph Hill with the extremity of the wharf at Oakland, and two large iron thirty-two pounders were accordingly procured and at great expense imbedded in the earth, one at each extremity of the line, to mark the initial points. On placing compasses over these points to determine the bearing of the base, we were extremely perplexed by the unaccountable local attraction that prevailed; and were compelled, in consequence, to select a new position. This we finally concluded to adopt between Fort Point and Saucelito; but on attempting to measure the base, we were deterred by the unexpected depth of the water intervening, which, to our surprise, was considerably over the chainbearers' heads. Disliking to abandon our new line, which had been selected with much care and at great expense, I determined to employ in its measurement a reflecting instrument, used very successfully by the United States Coast Survey. I therefore directed my assistants to procure me a "Heliotrope," but after being annoyed by having brought to me successively a sweet-smelling shrub of that name, and a box of "Lubin's Extract" to select from, it was finally ascertained that no such instrument could be procured in California. In this extremity I bethought myself of using as a substitute the flash of gunpowder. Wishing to satisfy myself of its practicability by an experiment, I placed Dr. Dunshunner at a distance of forty paces from my Theodolite, with a flint-lock musket carefully primed, and directed him to flash in the pan when I should wave my hand. Having covered the Doctor with the Theodolite, and by a movement of the tangent screw placed the intersection of the cross lines directly over the muzzle of the musket, I accordingly waved; when I was astounded by a tremendous report, a violent blow in the eye, and the instantaneous disappearance of the instrument.

Observing Dr. Dunshunner lying on his back in one direction, and my hat, which had been violently torn from my head, at about the same distance in another, I concluded that the musket had been accidentally loaded. Such proved to be the case; the marks of three buckshot were found in my hat, and a shower of screws, broken lenses and pieces of brass which shortly fell around us, told where the ball had struck, and bore fearful testimony to the accuracy of Dr. Dunshunner's practice. Believing these experiments more curious than useful, I abandoned the use of the "Heliotrope" or its substitutes, and determined to reverse the usual process, and arrive at the length of the base line by subsequent triangulation. I may as well state here that this course was adopted and resulted to our entire satisfaction; the distance from Fort Point to Saucelito by the solution of a mean of 1,867,434,926,465 triangles being determined to be exactly three hundred and twenty-four feet. This result differed very much from our preconceived ideas and from the popular opinion; the distance being generally supposed to be some ten miles; but I will stake my professional reputation on the accuracy of our work and there can, of course, be no disputing the elucidations of science, or facts demonstrated by mathematical process, however incredible they may appear per se.

We had adopted an entire new system of triangulation, which I am proud to claim (though I hope with becoming modesty) as my own invention. It simply consists in placing one leg of a tripod on the initial point, and opening out the other legs as far as possible; the distance between the leas is then measured by a two-foot rule and noted down; and the tripod moved so as to form a second triangle, connected with the first, and so on until the country to be triangulated has been entirely gone over. By using a large number of tripods, it is easily seen with what rapidity the work may be carried on, and this was, in fact, the object of my requisition for so large a number of solar compasses, the tripod being in my opinion the only useful portion of that absurd instrument. Having given Lieut. Root charge of the triangulation, and detached Mr. Jinkins with a small party on hydrographical duty (to sound a man's well on the upper part of Dupont Street and report thereon), on the 5th of February I left the Plaza, with the savans and the remainder of my party, to commence the examination and survey of Kearny Street.

Besides the mules drawing the cart which carried the transit instrument, I had procured two fine pack mules, each of which carried two barrels of ale for the draftsmen. Following the tasteful example of that gallant gentleman who conducted the Dead Sea Expedition, and wishing likewise to pay a compliment to the administration under which I was employed, I named the mules Fanny Pierce and Fanny Bigler. Our cortege passing along Kearny Street attracted much attention from the natives, and indeed, our appearance was sufficiently imposing to excite interest even in less untutored minds than those of these barbarians.

First came the cart, bearing our instruments; then a cart containing Lieut. Zero with a level, with which he constantly noted the changes of grade that might occur; then one hundred and fifty men, four abreast, armed to the teeth, each wheeling before him his personal property and a mountain howitzer; then the savans, each with note-book and pencil, constantly jotting down some object of interest (Doctor Tushmaker was so zealous to do something that he pulled a tooth from an iron rake standing near a stable-door, and was cursed therefor by the illiberal proprietor), and finally the Chief Professor, walking arm in arm with Dr. Dunshunner, and gazing from side to side, with an air of ineffable blandness and dignity, brought up the rear.

I had made arrangements to measure the length of Kearny Street by two methods; first, by chaining its sidewalks, and secondly, by a little instrument of my invention called the "Go-it-ometer." This last consists of a straight rod of brass, firmly strapped to a man's leg and connected with a system of clock-work placed on his back, with which it performs, when he walks, the office of a ballistic pendulum. About one foot below the ornamental buttons on the man's back appears a dial-plate connected with the clock-work, on which is promptly registered, by an index, each step taken. Of course, the length of the step being known, the distance passed over in a day may be obtained by a very simple process.

We arrived at the end of Kearny Street and encamped for the night about sundown, near a large brick building inhabited by a class of people called "The Orphans," who, I am credibly informed, have no fathers or mothers! After seeing the camp properly arranged, the wheelbarrows parked and a guard detailed, I sent for the chainmen and "Go-it-ometer" bearer, to ascertain the distance traveled during the day.

Judge of my surprise to find that the chainmen, having received no instructions, had simply drawn the chain after them through the streets, and had no idea of the distance whatever. Turning from them in displeasure, I took from the "Go-it-ometer" the number of paces marked, and on working the distance, found it to be four miles and a half. Upon close questioning the bearer, William Boulder (called by his associates "Slippery Bill"), I ascertained that he had been in a saloon in the vicinity, and after drinking five glasses of a beverage known among the natives as "Lager Bier," he had danced a little for their amusement. Feeling very much dissatisfied with the day's survey, I stepped out of the camp, and stopping an omnibus, asked the driver how far he thought it to the Plaza? He replied, "Half a mile," which I accordingly noted down and returned very much pleased at so easily obtaining so much valuable information. It would appear, therefore, that Slippery Bill, under the influence of five glasses (probably 2 1/2 quarts) of "Lager Bier," had actually danced four miles in a few moments.

Kearny Street, of which I present above a spirited engraving from a beautiful. drawing by Mr. Kraut, is a pass about fifty feet in width. The soil is loose and sandy, about one inch in depth, below which Dr. Dunshunner discovered a stratum of white pine three inches in thickness, and beneath this again, sand.

It is densely populated, and smells of horses. Its surface is intersected with many pools of sulphuretted protoxide of hydrogen, and we found several specimens of a vegetable substance, loosely distributed, which is classed by Mr. Weegates as the stalkus cabbagiensis.

It being late in the evening when our arrangements for encamping were completed, we saw but little of the natives until the next morning, when they gathered about our camp to the number of eighteen.

We were surprised to find them of diminutive stature, the tallest not exceeding three feet in height. They were excessively mischievous, and disposed to steal such trifling, things as they could carry away. Their countenances are of the color of dirt, and their hair white and glossy as the silk of maize. The one that we took to be their chief was an exceedingly diminutive personage, but with a bald head which gave him a very venerable appearance. He was dressed in a dingy robe of jaconet, and was borne in the arms of one of his followers. On making them a speech, proposing a treaty, and assuring them of the protection of their great Father, Pierce, the chief was affected to tears, and on being comforted by his followers, repeatedly exclaimed, "da, da, a da, da;" which, we were informed by the interpreter, meant "father," and was intended as a respectful allusion to the President. We presented him afterwards with some beads, hawk-bells and other presents, which he immediately thrust into his mouth, saying, "Goo," and crowing like a cock; which was rendered by the interpreter into an expression of high satisfaction. Having made presents to all his followers, they at length left us very well pleased, and we shortly after took up our line of march. From the notes of Dr. Bigguns I transcribe the following description of one of this deeply interesting people:
 

"'Kearny Street native; name, Bill; height, two feet nine inches; hair, white; complexion, dirt color; eyes, blue; no front teeth; opal at extremity of nose; dress, a basquine of bluish bombazine with two gussets, ornamented down the front with crochet work at molasses candy, three buttons on one side and eight button holes on the other -leggings of tow- cloth, fringed at the bottoms and permitting free ventilation behind --one shoe and one boot; occupation, erecting small pyramids of dirt and water; when asked what they were, replied 'Pies,' (word in Spanish meaning feet; suppose they might be the feet or foundation of some barbarian structure); religious belief, obscure; when asked who made him, replied 'PAR' (supposed to be the name of one of their principal Deities). "

We broke up our encampment and moved North by compass across Market Street on the morning of the 6th, and about noon had completed the survey as far as the corner of Second Street.

While crossing Market Street, being anxious to know the exact time, I concluded to determine it by observation. Having removed the Sidereal Clock from the cart and put it in the street, we placed the cart in the plane of the Meridian and I removed the eye and object-glass of the transit, for the purpose of wiping them. While busily engaged in this manner, an individual whom I have reason to believe is connected with a fire company, approached, and seeing the large brazen tube of the transit pointed to the sky, mistook it for a huge speaking, trumpet. Misled by this delusion, he mounted the cart, and in an awful tone of voice shouted through the transit, "Wash her, Thirteen!" but having miscalculated the strength of his lungs, he was seized with a violent fit of coughing, and before he could be removed had completely coughed the vertical hairs out of the instrument. I was in despair at this sudden destruction of the utility of our most valuable instrument, but fortunately recollecting a gridiron that we had among our kitchen apparatus, I directed Dr. Heavysterne to hold it up in the plane of the true Meridian, and with an opera glass watched and noted by the clock the passage of the sun's centre across the five bars. Having made these observations, I requested the principal computer to work them out, as I wished to ascertain the time immediately; but he replying that it would take some three months to do it, I concluded not to wait, but sent a man into the grocery, corner of Market and Second, to inquire the time, who soon returned with the desired information. It may be thought singular that with so many gold watches in our party we should ever be found at a loss to ascertain the time; but the fact was that I had directed every one of our employees to set his watch by Greenwich mean time, which, though excellent to give one the longitude, is for ordinary purposes the meanest time that can be found. A distressing casualty that befell Dr. Bigguns on this occasion may be found worthy of record. An omnibus, passing during the time of observation, was driven carelessly near our Sidereal Clock, with which it almost came in contact. Dr. Bigguns with a slight smile remarked that "the clock was nearly run down," and immediately fainted away. The pursuits of science cannot be delayed by accidents of this nature; two of the workmen removed our unfortunate friend, at once, to the Orphan Asylum where, having rung the bell, they left him on the steps and departed, and we never saw him afterwards.

From the comer of Market to the corner of Second and Folsom Streets, the route presents no object of interest worthy of mention. We were forced to the conclusion, however, that little throwing of stones prevails near the latter point, as the inhabitants mostly live in glass houses. On the 8th we had brought the survey nearly up to Southwick's Pass on Folsom Street, and we commenced going through the Pass on the morning of the 9th. This pass consists of a rectangular ravine, about 10 feet in length, the sides lined with pine boards, with a white oak (quercus albus) bar that at certain occasions forms across, entirely obstructing the whole route. We found no difficulty in getting through the Pass on foot, nor with the wheelbarrows; but the mule carts and the two Fannies were more troublesome, and we were finally unable to get them through without a considerable pecuniary disbursement, amounting in all to one dollar and fifty cents ($1.50). We understand that the City of San Francisco is desirous of effecting a safe and free passage through this celebrated canon, but a large appropriation ($220,000) is required for the purpose.

The following passages relating to this portion of the route, transcribed from the Geological Notes of Dr. Dunshunner, though not directly connected with the objects of the survey, are extremely curious in a scientific point of view, and may be of interest to the general reader.
 

"The country in the vicinity of the route after leaving Southwick's Pass is very productive, and I observed with astonishment that red-headed children appear to grow spontaneously. A building was pointed out to me near our line of march as the locale of a most astounding agricultural and architectural phenomenon, which illustrates the extreme fertility of the sod in a remarkable degree. A small pine wardrobe which had been left standing by the side of the house (a frame cottage with a piazza) at the commencement of the rainy season took root and in a few weeks grew to the prodigious height of thirty feet, and still preserving its proportions and characteristic appearance, extended in each direction until it covered a space of ground some forty by twenty feet in measurement.

"This singular phenomenon was taken advantage of by the proprietors; doors and windows were cut in the wardrobe, a chimney erected, and it now answers every purpose of an addition to the original cottage, being two stories in height! This doubtless appears almost incredible, but fortunately the house and attached wardrobe may be seen any day from the road, at a trifling expense of omnibus hire, by the sceptical. Some distance beyond rises a noble structure built entirely of cutwood, called 'The Valley House, by Mrs. Hubbard' Not imagining that a venial species of profanity was conveyed by this legend, I concluded that Mrs. Hubbard was simply the proprietor. This brought to my mind the beautiful lines of a primitive poet,, Spenser * I if I mistake not:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone;
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so the poor dog got none.

"Feeling curious to ascertain if this were by any possibility the ancient residence of the heroine of these lines, perchance an ancestress of the present proprietor, I ventured to call and inquire; and my antiquarian zeal was rewarded by the information that such was the case; and that if I returned at a later hour during the evening I could be allowed a sight of the closet and a view of the skeleton of the original dog. Delighted with my success, I returned accordingly and finding the door closed, I ventured to knock- when a sudden shower of rain fell, lasting but about five seconds, but drenching me to the skin. Undeterred by this contretemps, I elevated my umbrella and knocked again, loudly., when a violent concussion upon the umbrella, accompanied by a thrill down the handle which caused me to seat myself precipitately in a bucket by the side of the door, convinced me that electrical phenomena of an unusual character were prevalent, and decided me to return with all speed to our encampment. Here I was astounded by discovering inverted on the summit of my umbrella a curious and deeply interesting vase of singularly antique shape, and composed, apparently, of white porcelain. Whether this vase fell from the moon, a comet, or a passing meteor, I have not yet decided; drawings of it are being prepared and the whole subject will receive my thorough investigation at an early day.

"'I subsequently attempted to pursue my investigations at the 'Valley House,' but the curt manner of the proprietor led me to suspect that the subject was distasteful, and I was reluctantly compelled to abandon it.

"'Near the 'Valley House' I observed an advertisement of 'The Mountain View, by P Buckley; but the building in which it is exhibited being closed, I had no opportunity to judge of the merits of the painting, or the skill of Mr. Buckley as an artist. A short distance further I discovered a small house occupied by a gentleman, who appeared engaged in some description of traffic with the emigrants; and on watching his motions intently, my surprise was great to find that his employment consisted in selling them small pieces of pasteboard at fifty cents apiece! Curious to know the nature of these valuable bits of paper, I watched carefully the proprietor's motions through a window for some hours; but being at length observed by him, I was requested to leave, and I left. This curious subject is  therefore, I regret to say, enwrapped in mystery, and I reluctantly leave it for the elucidation of some future savant. The beautiful idea originated by Col. Benton, that buffaloes and other wild animals are the pioneer engineers, and that subsequent explorations can discover no better roads than those selected by them, would appear to apply admirably to the Central Route. Many pigs, singly and in droves, met and passed me continually, and as the pig is unquestionably a more sagacious animal than the buffalo, their preference for this route is a most significant fact. I was, moreover, informed by the emigrants that this route was 'the one followed by Col. Fremont when he lost his men.' This statement must be received cum grano sales, as on my inquiry - 'What men?' my informant replied, 'A box of chessmen,' which answer, from its levity, threw an air of doubt over the whole piece of information, in my mind. There can be no question, however, that Lieut. Beale has frequently traveled this route, and that it was a favorite with him; indeed, I am informed that he took the first omnibus over it that ever left San Francisco for the Mission of Dolores.

'The climate in these latitudes is mild; snow appears to be unknown, and we saw but little ice; what there was being sold at twenty-five cents per lb.

"The geological formation of the country is not volcanic. I saw but one small specimen of trap during the march, which I observed at the "Valley House,' with a mouse in it. From the vast accumulations of sand in these regions, I am led to adopt the opinions of the ethnologists of the 'California Academy of Natural Sciences,' and conclude that the original name of this territory was Sand Francisco, from which the final "d" in the prefix has been lost by time, like the art of painting on glass.

"Considering the innumerable villages of pigs to be found located on the line of march, and the consequent effect produced on the atmosphere, I would respectfully suggest to the Chief Engineer the propriety of changing the name of the route by a slight alteration in the orthography, giving it the appropriate and euphonious title of the 'Scentraf R R Route.'

"Respectfully submitted,
 "Abraham Dunshunner, LL.D.
  "P.G.C.R.R.R.S."
 

ERIN GO UNUM,

E PLURIBUS BRAGH.

On the 14th the party arrived in good health and excellent spirits at the "Nightingale," Mission of Dolores.

History informs us that

The Nightingale club at the village was held,
 at the sign of the Cabbage and Shears.

It is interesting to the Antiquarian to look over the excellent cabbage garden still extant immediately opposite the Nightingale, and much more so to converse with Mr. Shears, the respected and urbane proprietor.

The survey and reconnoissance being finished on our arrival at the Mission, it may be expected that I should here give a full and impartial statement as to the merits or demerits of the route, in connection with the proposed Railroad.

Some three months must elapse, however, before this can be done, as the triangulation has yet to be perfectly computed, the sub-reports examined and compiled, the observations worked out, and the maps and drawings executed. Besides, I have received a letter from certain parties interested in the Southern and Northern routes, informing me that if I suspend my opinion on the "Great Central" for the present it will be greatly to my interest - and as my interest is certainly my principal consideration, I shall undoubtedly comply with their request unless, indeed, greater inducement is offered to the contrary.

Meanwhile I can assure the public that a great deal may certainly be said in favor of the Central Route. A full report accompanied by maps, charts, sub-reports, diagrams, calculations, tables and statistics, may shortly be expected.

Profiles of Prof. Heavysterne, Dr. Dunshunner and my self, executed in black court plaster by Mr. Jinkins, R. A., one of the Artists of the Expedition, in his unrivaled style of elegance, may be seen for a short time at Messrs. LeCount & Strong's - scale 1 1/2 inch to one foot.

In conclusion I beg leave to return my thanks to the Professors, Assistants, and Artists of the Expedition, for the energy, fidelity and zeal with which they have ever co-operated with me and seconded my efforts; and to assure them that I shall be happy at any time to sit for my portrait for them, or to accept the handsome service of plate which I am told they have prepared for me, but feel too much delicacy to speak to me about.

I remain, with the highest respect and esteem for myself and every body else,

John Phoenix, A. M.,

Chief Engineer and Astronomer, S.F.A.M.D.C.R.